Jay's Journal Read online

  July 30

  I’m grateful for this big old tree behind the house closed in by shrubs. It’s the only place where anyone can have privacy. I’m surprised that all the others haven’t found it. Oh the kids use it for a hideout sometimes but most of the time it’s forsaken, forgotten, the only place of peace and quiet in the whole area. Is it possible that other people don’t need a quiet place for peace and meditation like I do? Am I the only one who has to ponder over things, think them out, try to find answers? Am I the only one that in trying to organize thoughts only makes them more unfathomable, more debilitating, more confusing?

  I felt so much more secure when I was satisfied with my little world as it was, now the more powers I receive the more answers I need. I can do things that are only done in science fiction! These principles do work! The Ouija board told me my dad would call tonight, and that it would be good news. I can’t wait.

  August 1

  Sure enough Dad did call last night and it was not only good news but fantastic! The family is going to drive to Vermont, leaving next week, coming back just in time for school. Dad’s going to take off three weeks, can you believe that? When I first heard it I thought the world would cave in. Three weeks! Wow! It will be kind of a historic trek, one I’ve always wanted to go on and now it’s here! Dad and Mom and the kids were all talking at one time on both extensions so I’m sure I didn’t get much straight, but at least I know I’ll take the bus from here on Saturday and we’ll leave Apple Hill on Monday.

  AFTER DINNER

  John came over to the job during his lunch break and told me to be careful, that the Ouija had said I was in danger.

  For a few minutes it shook me up then I decided that I wasn’t superstitious and all that stuff so I just went about my business but I guess his message had somehow subconsciously made me alert because the cement bucket came off the crane just before closing time and that mother missed me by two inches. If I hadn’t jumped and rolled away when I felt some negative power coming at me I’d have been smashed flat as a pancake. As it was I was completely covered with cement. I mean completely! They had to dig me out, clean me off with the firehose, and take me to the emergency clinic, in a state of mild shock. I didn’t tell anybody but Dell about the warning from John, but man, it’s really got my hair on end. I suppose I should be grateful for this special power of discernment that I, or John, had been given. I’m thankful that I am one of the few.

  John says he’s from Atlantis. I couldn’t have swallowed that a year ago, in fact I remember in a note one time Tim said he was ruler of Atlantis. I wonder whatever happened to Tim. All this stuff seemed then like garbage to me. I really can’t comprehend it now—but it does work! Judas, I wish I knew how it really works! Will I ever? Do I want to? Shall I give up my project? I think I will. Yeah, I think I will.

  I can’t feel good about it on a gut level. Maybe it’s me . . . I guess it is me, but nevertheless, I’m going to play sick till Saturday so I won’t have to expose myself to any more stuff I can’t dig.

  It must have been 114 degrees on the job today. The sweat dried on us before it even got out of our pores, leaving everybody feeling like they had a coating of salt on their bodies. Just as we were getting ready to quit Big Buck took a handful of water from the cooler and splashed it on Dell’s dad, he took the cupful he was drinking and threw it back, and before anyone knew what had happened we were all in a water fight to end all water fights. We started with cups and buckets and hats full of water and ended up with two firehoses. Man, I never dreamed the power those things had, they just swashed us across the ground like we were skating, on our butts, that is. Everybody laughed and screamed until they were hoarse. It was a fantastic kind of farewell for me although none of them knew that’s what it was.

  I got all the skin torn off my elbow and my wrist as I was sloshed first in one direction and then in the other by the two firehoses. Like in the regular army the older guys kept me and Dell and another kid out in the main line of fire, they kind of playing it safe in the rear. Anyway it was fun, although the language was about as salty as I’ve ever heard.

  After the water fight me and Dell went to a semibar with Ted and Big Buck and Rod and Hank. Of course, Dell’s dad didn’t know about that. They mixed whiskey with our 7UP and told us stories about nude wrestling matches, between men and women and all kinds of horny degenerate stuff.

  It’s a strange thing about Vegas. There’s the raunchy, gambling, Mafia, adult XXX-rated everything side, and then there’s the residential area where the straights live. Dell’s aunt told me there are more churches per permanent resident there than in most cities and towns in the nation, and that while the wild people are wilder, the straight people are straighter. . . . Life is strange, yeah?

  August 2

  7:30 P.M.—PLAYING SICK

  Man, it’s deadly with Dell gone to an O meeting and just the brats around shaking the house off its foundation. We’re all so studious in our house, we don’t do that much jumping and running and screaming. We’re more likely to be settled down with a book or a project of some sort. Not that we don’t fight . . . and fight . . . and fight . . . but even that’s kind of loving and I miss it. I guess no one in the world ever really, really belongs except in their own God-given, precious, supportive, peaceful, caring family.

  August 7

  I guess I’ll jot down some things in this little notebook and add them to my journal when I get back from our vacation.

  Everybody’s asleep and I don’t know how they can do it. A strange town, Leadville, Colorado, a strange motel, me in the bathroom curled up on a blanket I dragged in so I could have some privacy.

  How can they sleep when it’s so exciting! Different places! Different faces. Seeing more of God’s beautiful world.

  Some day when I’m Dad’s age I want to travel to Japan and China and Russia, Thailand and Norway, Germany and France, England and Ireland, Australia and the South Seas.

  It’s so cozy in here between our connecting rooms. I can hear Dad snoring and Mom breathing softly and Kendall and Chad sniffing and snorting and making other strange, nice, little boy noises. I hope neither one of them ever get their lives as screwed-up as I did mine. But I’m all right now, soft and warm and protected through our remaining forever. Oh dear God, I am blessed to be in this family.

  August 11

  I love Chicago. Coming into it through the miles of grain fields and barns so big they are like castles, I thought we had come across a new race of people.

  In the little towns, they’re just like us, complaining about the weather, and the prices too high and the government officials too low. But in the city, man the city, it’s so crazy and rough, the wind blowing and the buildings piercing up through the sky making their own ragged peaks, their own Grand Tetons and Rocky Mountains. The people seem hurried, hard and piercing as their buildings. I wouldn’t want to live here, but I loved walking down the wild, windswept lake shore fighting to keep each grain of sand and seashell as its own. The birds on the beach seemed as aggressive as the weather and the surroundings. In fact two seagulls started fighting over some bit of debris they had picked up and I swear it sounded like they were both squealing, “mine, mine, mine.”

  The family broke up laughing when I told them what I thought it sounded like but they all agreed.

  Maybe next year Brad and Dell and I can take Toad and come back here on our own. Wouldn’t it be fun just the three of us crossing the nation? It shouldn’t cost too much in Toad and we could take our bedrolls and buy most of our food in markets. We’ll have to work on the parents and the cost factors and such when I get back. If we start planning right now it shouldn’t be any sweat at all.

  August 16

  I really had meant to write every day, but at night usually I was pooped . . . pooped . . . double pooped, besides I’ve categorized everything in my mind. The fantastic mountains around Denver, the quiet rollingness of Nebraska and Iowa, Lake Michigan, the unbelievable beauty of upper
New York State. I always thought of New York as being like New York City. It isn’t! It’s quaint and rural and I love it! I sound like a geography freak and I’m not, I didn’t even particularly like the subject—but now I’m convinced that if one traveled and got to really know the places instead of just having dumb, dull facts crammed down their throats it might be exciting.

  August 20

  Tomorrow we start on our homeward trek. I’m glad Mom talked Dad into bringing us up to Niagara Falls as a climax; I guess next to the Grand Canyon that’s the most spectacular thing I’ve ever seen.

  Mom was so cute, almost like a little girl as she had Dad get them a room not connected with ours. Actually it isn’t even in the same wing with ours. Come to think of it I don’t know where it is, but that doesn’t matter. I’ll take the kids walking along the paths by the falls, maybe take a boat ride, man, that would be exciting, riding right under the falls! Then we’ll shop at the souvenir stores, have dinner and more sightseeing. One can’t get too much of that here! This whole area defies description. It’s magnificent! The roar and pounding of the water, the strength and volume, I’m really impressed! We’re on the Canada side and everyone says we’re a hundred times safer here than on the American side. Isn’t that sad! But anyway it’s nice for us. I guess we all needed a break from each other, although it’s been amazingly tranquil. Chad always did sleep a lot in the car, in fact we have to wake him up to see the things that are special. That makes it great for us who don’t particularly have any fondness for his restlessness and his demands when he’s awake.

  I’m excited now about going to Palmyra and Independence and to see the Amish people. I love that part of our old history.

  August 28

  Today I’m unpacking my gear and I find you, you little flipper. Where have you been? I looked all over for you. Someday when I have time I’ll sort your profound statements from your garbage and make entrances in my journal.

  September 6

  I, great king of the hill, Jack and Jill (who might fall down before the year, or even the day is over and break my crown), am now completely registered in HIGH SCHOOL! APPLE HILL HIGH SCHOOL, WATCH OUT! DELL, BRAD, AND JAY, THE THREE NEPHITES ARE HERE! I wonder if Apple Hill High is ready for us? Are we ready for them? Last year in junior high we were the biggies, this year we’re the guppies, but not for long . . . I am out to conquer. School prepare, town prepare, state prepare, county prepare . . . I AM COMING! WE THREE ARE COMING!

  Old Toad is even spryer than before his accident, hopping along the road like it belonged to him. Man, I was glad to have him back. If he weren’t so darn big I’d have him sleep in my bed.

  I got every class I wanted with no hassle and the whole setup seems cool! I dig high school and I’m knocking myself out trying to act grown up and not like some half-assed freshman.

  Brad and me and Dell share a locker and it’s cool, man, cool!

  Barry got big as a cow during the summer and her face has erupted out in pimples like volcanos. In a way the fat makes her look somewhat like her sister with Down’s. I feel sorry for her! She’s like a different person. She hardly speaks to me or anyone else. And where she used to sit in the front row and be the first one with her hand up she’s now trying to find a dark corner in the room or a crack. I wonder if there’s anything I could do . . . or more importantly, would I do it if there was?

  Me, old jock Jay, would I be seen with some fat chick with zits? I guess not. . . . Now that a good look at the real me has ruined my day I guess I should go clean Mom’s car and then go to work. Mr. Simons at the auto parts house was really neat to give me a job. Two nights a week plus Saturdays and two and a half hours each day, plus 15 percent off on parts I bought for Toad. I’ll be so loaded I won’t be able to carry my money to the bank.

  September 18

  I’m not so sure about my job being all that good. I want to try out for a play but what about the hours for rehearsal? And in forensics most everything big comes off on Saturday. Guess I’ll talk to Dad tonight about what he thinks I should do. I can’t do it all and I need the money for next summer if Dell and Brad and I go on a trip but. . . . Oh hell, sometimes life is really the squirts.

  I think I could get on the second string in basketball, Dell and Brad are both trying out, but where to find the hours? I know Dad is going to tell me I have to compromise somewhere. But I don’t want to compromise! I want all that life has to offer, and I want it on a golden plate with my name engraved. Not really.

  Gotta go to work.

  LATER

  Dad helped me get my life organized. It was really neat. We sat up and talked till almost 2 A.M. I need the exercise so I’m going out for basketball. I know I’ll never make the first string but that’s not the main thing in my life like it is for Dell. Besides our tenth-grade team isn’t that big a deal. Also I decided to give up the theater this semester and keep debating because debating can help me in any profession I decide to go into and is much more mind expanding and demanding. An actor does other people’s things, a debater does his own thing, planning, creating, and making it work. Yeah, Dad is right. His advice was good and I feel much more together, like I know where I’m at and where I’m going, than I have since the day school started.

  September 20

  Well, things are looking up! Yes, things may be getting better. I might be finding someone “to see.” Yeah, things are looking up. I just might ask her to the debate party if things go right. Well, there are times, there certainly are times . . .

  The vibrations have struck home—someone grown-up, someone of my kind. Someone real. An individual, an understanding ear, a seeing eye, an open mind. Living, breathing, walking, talking, listening, loving, holding.

  September 21

  The vibrations were right. The time was right. I had lunch with Tina. Man, she is so cool-looking she made little choking feelings come into my throat when I looked at her. I’ve never seen eyes like hers, they are any color she wants them to be, if she wears gray they are gray, if she wears blue they are blue, the same with green, purple, lilac, or any soft color. Sometimes, she says, they’re almost yellow if she wears certain rusts or light orange.

  Tina didn’t go to our junior high but I’d seen her around the last couple of years. No one could ever pass Tina and not remember her. She tried to tease me and tell me I didn’t, but I did of course. She swears she remembers me from the first football game we ever had with their school, but I don’t know, chicks try to make guys feel good.

  September 22

  I asked Tina to the debate party and she said she was just praying I’d ask her. It was so neat. Sort of like we belong together. We feel good and easy.

  September 23

  Tina’s parents won’t let boys come by. She’s been through her “dumb days” too. She says her folks are very strict now, and I’m glad! That makes me feel safe too. Of course I’d never admit that to anyone or even say it out loud.

  Tina’s running for school vice-president, that’s kind of a biggie for a freshman but I guess she knows where her head is. I’m giving her a lot of help and so are Brad and Dell. Man, it’s going to take every spare minute any of us have got because we’ve got a big program laid out.

  September 23

  Carla, the girl Tina is running against, is really a turkey tail. She’s using slanderous kind of garbage, anything she can, and cutting Tina because she’s a freshman, like she’s a retard. Actually Tina’s had an outstanding grade average. We are going to show that tomorrow by putting up a big thermometer by the front door at school showing both their grade averages from first grade. It’s going to be a low blow for Carla because Tina’s averages are higher than hers! I don’t know how Dell ever got Carla’s grades. He must have a friend in the office. I didn’t ask. It’s better not to know some things.

  September 24

  Tina won! It was almost as exciting as when I win myself. It was funny though, that little cat didn’t seem one bit surprised. She had said all along th
at she would win. At times I had been a little bit worried about what would happen if she didn’t, after all, nothing in the competitive area is a 100 percent sure cinch, but anyway, she accepted winning like it had been assured, always been hers.

  After I got in bed and tried to get the tension out of my own body I started laughing. I’d been more pressured about the whole thing than she had. I even suspect both Dell and Brad had too.

  Man, girls are different. Different and nice!

  September 25

  High school is a blast. Lots more happening than in junior high. I try to pretend I’m BMOC but I can’t get over the bottles of booze in lockers and the pot that’s passed around and the pills. It’s like the adult population is blind or they really don’t care. Don, who has the locker next to us, is getting himself a snort every time I come to change books or something. He must come between every class. I don’t know what to do about it, but it hurts me. I’ve known Don since we were cub scouts together in about the second or third grade or whatever. Man, I’d hate to see him become an alcoholic at sixteen, or maybe he is one already. If so, he deserves and needs help. Why the hell doesn’t somebody help? Why the hell doesn’t somebody care?

  And the kids down at the end of the hall popping pills like popcorn, that makes me so damned mad I want to run for student government and control it from the inside if no one will do anything about controlling it from the outs. Tina’s going to try to do something in that area when she gets going in her office.

  Maybe I can get some assembly debates set up about drug use and abuse. I tried that once last year and the faculty got uptight as hell. They’re so afraid someone is going to say something good about doping that they won’t even accept the fact that doping is good, that it’s fun and exciting! It’s the results that are bad! It’s like they are willing only to see their side and the kids are just as tunnel visioned about seeing theirs. I wonder where this thing will ever end? The blind wanting other people to be blind in that area too! Man, it freaks me out—the stupidity, the waste, the hypocrisy, on both sides. . . . We won’t listen. We won’t learn! Not only wanting to be blind but deaf. I think I’ll talk to the principal tomorrow and see if we can together work up some kind of a program for self-help.