Annie's Baby Page 5

  November 2, Thursday

  1:14 a.m.

  I just woke up from a really weird, strange, science fiction-type dream. I know I’m losing it and I’ve got to get myself together! This ESCAPE THING can’t go on the rest of my life. Sometime, someplace, I’ve got to face reality and I guess it might as well be here and NOW!

  1:41 a.m.

  I’m sitting at my window looking at a smiling quarter moon, a sky sprinkled with shining, twinkling stars, and listening to the music of the night and smelling its fragrances. God made a beautiful, wonderful world…and I’m just a zit on it! No I’m not! He loves me!

  This is really funny; I just sang a sweet song that I didn’t even know I knew—it was tucked so far back in my little girlhood. The song just sort of came out from nowhere, and I sang it to the moon and stars and all the nice night things.

  “Jesus loves me this I know

  For the Bible tells me so.”

  I think the song has many verses about kind, loving, helping, forgiving things, like:

  “He will teach me right from wrong.

  I am weak but HE is strong.”

  I feel so much better. I’m glad I thought of the song. It is going to help me get my jigsawed life back together again. Ummm, I feel so content, I think I’ll yawn and stretch and take another little nap. I’ll get things straightened out when it’s morning.

  5:22 a.m.

  The sun is beginning to peek out over the eastern horizon. A whole flock of birds must have come in during the night, and they are all singing their little hearts out. Someone once said, “Life is good, and we must be good to it.” Okay, today is the day I start! But where? First with the Danny thing. I’m still crushed and broken and splattered emotionally, and I’ve thought about nothing but having Mom change me to another school, but I can’t think of one earthly reason why I can ask her to, except Danny, and I can’t mention that to her. I NEVER, NEVER WILL! And I hate to say this even to you dear Daisy…but…I do still love him. I love him with every particle of my being. He can be soooo gentle, so caring, so humorous and playful, yet so formally mannered when necessary. He says awesome things to me that make me feel like a goddess or truly an “Earth Angel.” Everybody at school loves him. Absolutely everybody! Teachers, coaches, kids, janitors, and cafeteria ladies. Especially the cafeteria ladies! He’s so funny and flattering and respectful to them. Mrs. Schmidts even brought him some chocolate chip cookies she’d made at home. He said HE NEEDS ME to become, the brilliant lawyer he wants to become, or anything else successful.

  I think about the rooms full of dandelions and roses he will someday give me, and his wonderful, gentle sensitiveness, and the wonderful way he smells, and his strong arm around my shoulder. You can never even guess the protection and belonging feelings that gives me and the sense of joy and love and self-worth. I’m someone when I’m with him! And I want him back so much that every cell in my body aches. Never have I been happier than when I was with him, never more fulfilled, more at peace, more at ease. Actually, I’m not really sure I can live without him, nor if I want to. Ugg, that was a nasty breeze that whipped through my mind. There’s no way I would do that!

  And, I’ve never even tried to look at the incident from his point of view. I know ever since his family moved here, he’s been working more hours a day for his dad than any kid should ever have to work, and he’s been quarterback of the football team, and on some school council, and who knows what else. Also, since they’ve been redoing the banquet room and some of the other rooms one by one at the restaurant, his dad hasn’t given him any time off at all. I know he hasn’t because if he had, he would have been with me. He hasn’t even had time to return my calls. I’m not sure when he has time to sleep, or if he does.

  Once in a mental health class, we learned that sleep deprivation can make people do all sorts of weird things…like hallucinate and lose their sense of depth perception and not think clearly…I wonder…could Danny’s crazed behavior be attributed to overwork and sleep deprivation? I think it very well could be, and he’s probably so humiliated and stunned by what he did to me that he is in even worse shape than I am. No wonder he hasn’t called. I can just imagine how he’s beating up on himself. But he wasn’t himself then! Oh, I’ve got to talk to him! Do you think I should? Would it make things worse? It couldn’t!

  I can just see him suffering and not knowing how to get himself out of the mess. I’ve got to help him, I really have! I’m probably the only one who can because I was the one who…made him—caused him to get out of control. He said I did! He said I did loud and clear!

  UMMMMMMM, now it’s just a matter of deciding how I should go about doing whatever…

  6:22 a.m.

  I know how I’m going to do it. I’m just going to write him a note telling him the simple, honest truth; “Dear Danny: There is no way I can live without you. I’m so, so, so, so sorry for everything! I cannot live without you. Annie.”

  I’ll stick it through the slot in his locker. I’ll do it first thing tomorrow morning.

  November 3, Friday

  4:37 p.m.

  I didn’t see Danny at school at all today. I’m worried and confused. I hope I didn’t make a totally total fool and laughingstock of myself.

  If some of the monstrous things happen that I’m thinking might, I’ll never be able to show my face again. THAT WAS SUCH A STUPID, ASSININE, LEAVE-MYSELF-WIDE-OPEN-FOR-A-SECOND-TAKEDOWN THING TO DO!!!!!!! Why do I do things without thinking them out carefully first or talking to somebody about them? Talk about a nobrainer! But I want a boyfriend soooooooo much! I want HIM so much. Our times together were the best times in my whole life, or ever-will-be life. Now I’ve probably blown it completely! How stupid can a person get?

  11:49 p.m.

  Oh happy day! Danny called! He was crying and he begged my forgiveness over and over. He doesn’t understand how he could have done such despicable things and says he hated himself to the point that he wanted to drive off a cliff or something. He about broke my heart, and he says he can’t understand how I can be so forgiving. He doesn’t understand either that I probably understand him even better than he does himself. I realize how hard he’s been working both at school and for his dad, and what horrible pressure he’s under, and how I intentionally turned him on with the scarf-dance thing then…poor guy—that wasn’t fair of me at all! He shouldn’t have…but then, I shouldn’t have either.

  I can’t believe we talked for over two hours. Actually, it would have been more, but I told him he had to get some sleep.

  We’re going to eat lunch together on Monday and I KNOW he really does love me. He says he has since the first time he saw me “bouncing off the soccer field like a sunbeam.” Isn’t that beautiful? It’s a phrase I will always keep tucked away in the most intimate part of my heart.

  I’m so glad I listened to the brilliant little voice inside me that told me he was perfect for me…even when he wasn’t so perfect. But I’m going to forget that part of our lives, erase it, wipe it out as though it never happened. We’ll just skip over to the “and they lived happily ever after” part.

  November 17, Friday

  9:30 p.m.

  I know I haven’t written in you for two weeks, but I honestly haven’t had time. Danny and I have been sooooo busy. We’re together constantly when we aren’t in classes or working with our teams or something, well, other than the times when Danny is working at the restaurant, which seems like it’s always.

  You’ll like to hear this—he is really good to me, and he tells me how to act and what to wear and stuff, so he can “show me off.” It makes me feel precious and adored, two of the best feelings in the world, I guess. Next week I’m going to have my hair cut in a tight little shag because that’s what he thinks will look “supergreat” on me. I am happy! Happy! Happy! Happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Please be happy for me too!

  I know you know that we’re…well it’s really part of love. Danny says before we were just “in li
ke.” I guess that’s why I haven’t written in you, but…you’re ME. You should know everything—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

  Please don’t hate me for it, Daisy, or be ashamed of me or think we’re wrong. I don’t see how it can be wrong when it feels so right. Actually, at first it wasn’t so great; in fact, it was kind of uggg, but then I found the more that I tried to please him the more I…but I don’t want to write about that.

  The worst part about Danny and I being together is the fact that I’m having to tell so many lies, lies to get to do things, then lies to cover those lies and lies to justify the lies I’ve covered. It’s one big, horrible, getting-bigger-and-bigger circle. I’m scared to death that one day the whole thing is going to come tumbling in on me. I fear what Mom will say and do when it does. So it won’t! I won’t let it!

  We’re like Romeo and Juliet, two star-crossed lovers who are forced to lie because the cruel, cruel outside world can’t understand the importance of our wondrous eternal love.

  November 18, Saturday

  1:15 a.m.

  I snuck out and met Danny on the corner, and we went to a party out by the lake. It was fantastic. Everyone got smashed, and we laughed and danced and screamed and yelled and chased each other like a bunch of completely out-of-control freaks, which maybe we were, but it sure was fun. After a while we just snuggled up in pairs on blankets and became one with the universe—at least Danny and I did.

  November 19, Sunday

  6:15 p.m.

  I’m really bored. Danny has to work both the lunch and dinner shifts because one guy quit and another hurt his foot. Jenny and Deanna and Molly have all gone to Molly’s Aunt Emma’s. She has a flat in the city, but Danny didn’t want me to go because he hoped maybe somehow he’d get some time off in between shifts.

  November 23, Thursday

  Thanksgiving Day

  9:03 p.m.

  I knew Danny had to work all day, but I thought at least he’d phone me.

  We had dinner with some of Mom’s teacher friends, sort of potluck with everybody bringing something. We brought Fudge Fuffel, our favorite dessert, which was superdelicious, but I wanted Danny…to nibble on. He is so wonderful and beautiful and charming and witty and humorous and mannerly and personal and popular and…there isn’t enough paper at school to write down all his amazing attributes. I am sooooooooo lucky, lucky, lucky to have him for my very own. I still can’t imagine what WONDERFUL HE can see in ordinary me. BUT…I wish he had more control over some things; he’s completely and heartbrokenly sorry afterwards, and I do know he’s trying. I guess I’m just a ninny to expect complete perfection.

  November 26, Sunday

  10:20 p.m.

  Danny stays tied up all the time. That means I’m really getting ahead with my school assignments.

  November 30, Thursday

  11:14 p.m.

  At last we were alone together! It was wonderful! After school we walked for miles up Little Bear Canyon, then sat in a flowered meadow and threw rocks in a stream. After a while Danny got excited, and we accidentally…uh…did it without a condom. I’m really worried, but I don’t dare say anything. I guess I better talk to Jill, or one of the other girls we party with, about birth control pills. So far Danny isn’t very careful.

  December 2, Saturday

  9:40 p.m.

  Danny had to work again but didn’t call to tell me, so I expected us to do something and stayed home all day and waited.

  December 8, Friday

  4:44 p.m.

  Today we had our first fight. We ate lunch together in the cafeteria, and he knew I was miffed, so we walked out by the library. I said I thought he could at least call me if he’d said he was coming over and couldn’t. He didn’t answer, so I said I could go out with my friends if he couldn’t make it. He called them a bunch of “sissy dweebs” and told me he didn’t want me hangin’ with them anymore. I jumped up and ran back into school, but even as I ran, I knew I’d do what he wanted. That’s sad though…but I don’t want to talk about it. I’VE MADE MY CHOICE, AND I LIKE IT!

  December 15, Friday

  4:41 p.m.

  I left my pen on my desk at first class, and Jake Goldman came running up afterwards and gave it to me. I thanked him a lot because it was a pen my grandma had given me on my birthday. He walked me down the hall, and we talked about our grandmas for a couple of minutes. It was just a nice, polite thing to do.

  At lunch Danny was furious. He accused me of “messing around” with Jake in a very loud voice. It was so embarrassing. I started crying. Immediately he put his arm around me and apologized profusely. Other people were looking at us, and I felt proud. Humiliated but proud, too, in some crazy-mixed-up way. Danny is each day treating me more like property he owns. I hate the way it makes me feel, but I also feel like he’s sharing his power with me, his status, his car, and even his family’s mansion.

  Wow! I’m embarrassed. I just reread that last paragraph and it sounds like I’m the biggest phony baloney in the world and a gold digger with no ethics on top of that. I don’t know how I could have written those things; none of them are true! I love Danny strictly because he is the most wonderful, gentle, loving, gorgeous hunk ever created, and I’d love him just as much if he was poor and skinny and unpopular. But…he’s not.

  10:31 p.m.

  Dear Diary:

  Sometimes I’m soooooo confused and hurt and angry with Danny—no, it’s me—I’m angry mostly with myself. I wish I could talk to you, or Mom, or someone but…forget it, I’ll…I don’t know what I’ll do.

  How can life be both so good and so crappy at the same time? Danny being jealous about me just means he likes me!

  December 18, Monday

  1:45 a.m.

  I can’t believe it’s just two weeks before Christmas and I KNOW I haven’t really confided anything to you for a long time, but Mom and you don’t want to hear about what’s really going on in my life…like…well…sex. That’s what I need to talk about mainly. The girls in Danny’s crowd talk about IT all the time and actually…I’m getting as bad as they are…it’s scary…like there’s nothing else of importance in life, nothing else to do or think about.

  Oh Daisy, in some dreary, crazy way, I’m so unhappy. But how can I be unhappy when I’m sooooo happy? Probably it’s because Danny’s friends are having such a bad influence on us. Everybody is so rude and crude, it’s disgusting, and to be very truthful I don’t feel good about them or it anymore. Both the girls and the guys are a horrible influence on Danny, and I wish like anything I could get him away from them, but there doesn’t seem to be any way! He’s so caught up with them—it’s like we’re one big pack of privileged gutter rats hooked on things that we know in our hearts aren’t good and right—at least I know that! Danny’s so brainwashed that he just gets completely out of control every time I even try to mention changing our lives. I know I’ve got to be patient to get him away from their influence. Maybe I’ll even have to put up with their shit—I’m sorry, but even our language is gutter gook—anyway, maybe I’ll have to stand by him till the end of next semester. Then he’ll be going to high school, and surely the kids there will be more mature and stable and common sensed, don’t you think?

  Dearest, dear, dear Daisy, I’m so thankful and grateful that you aren’t all put out of shape about what I’ve been telling you, and I’m proud of you that you aren’t giving me hell and everything. It’s such a relief to have someone to talk to who is more rational about my life than I am right now, and maybe I need someone to give me hell!

  It’s hard, Daisy; it’s really, really hard, trying to keep up with my schoolwork to make Mom happy and trying to do all the partying and stuff with Danny to keep him happy. And…I don’t know if I should tell you this stuff, but…I HAVE GOT TO TELL SOMEONE! Please, please Daisy listen, and be understanding of me…at least be compassionate.

  I’m still such a little-kid baby in so many ways, like, for instance, here I am supposedly on “the pill” tha
t Danny’s friend gets for me, and he keeps bugging me about taking them every day when I should, but how can I remember to take the friggin’ pill when I couldn’t even remember to feed my cat regularly before she got run over? And I know that Danny would probably beat the shit out of me if he knew I missed sometimes, and oh, Daisy, I hate to tell you this, but he hits me a lot. When I try to talk to him about it, he always says the man is the dominant one in a relationship, so I can take it or leave it, and I can’t leave him, Daisy, honest truly I can’t! I know his creep friends would surely ruin his life for good without my influence. And besides he’s so truly, truly sorry after he’s lost control.

  I better let us both get some sleep.

  HEY, THANKS FOR LISTENING AND NOT CONDEMNING. I AM GOING TO GET THINGS STRAIGHTENED OUT, AND YOUR HELP IS GOING TO HELP ME!!!!!!

  December 23, Saturday

  11:21 p.m.

  Tonight Mom and I saw a Christmas pageant on TV, and I’m feeling so stressed out and tense and mixed-up. I’m about to climb the walls. I know a lot of things I’m doing aren’t right, but I honestly don’t know how I can make a change in my life until Danny is ready to, too.

  Now Daisy, I’m going to talk to you about something that may shock you, but I need your common sense. Are you ready?

  “Yes.”

  Lately Danny is sometimes hurting me A LOT during sex. He says it gives him pleasure to rough it up, and if I’m really his woman, I’ll want to do anything that “pleasures him.” I talked to Liz (one of our crowd), and she says it’s a guy thing that all of the studs are into, but I still think it’s sick, and I can’t see how it has a single thing to do with LOVE. Oh, Daisy, tell me what to do?

  “Flush him.”

  I can’t do that Daisy. You know I can’t.

  “I KNOW YOU CAN.”

  Then you’re so stupid, I don’t know why I even talked to you about something so serious. You don’t have a sissy clue!